I'm baaaaaacccccckkkkkk! :)

Wow! It's been a VERY long time since I've blogged; but have decided to pick it back up for the benefit of my sanity. :) There's something quite carthartic about writing and I've missed it! During my absence my time has been consumed with grad school and self reflection. I've completed grad school and now in the processes of climbing to the next plateau of life, personally and professionally. Well, this is the beginning of a new beginning - so stay tuned ... :)

Hey DJ!

Reflections of a friend... as my thoughts flowed...

DJ had a way of infecting those around him with that smile and his mannerisms. When he said something funny – it yielded a laughter which infected your soul. When he told you about yourself it infected your outlook on the situation. When he hugged you, it shifted your energy and made you feel safe, if only for a moment. He had a way of putting things in a succinct manner which infected the way you dealt with things. When he heard something great - his response was Wow! That’s 2007! To mean that it was something so fresh and new you’ve yet to experience it. And when 2007 came around, he upgraded to 2011. 'Man, that's two thousan' 'leven!' LOL!

Take up concern with people: DJ took up concern with me in a way that no one ever has. I am a giver and sincerely enjoy community service. Shortly after I joined the Ryan Cameron Foundation, DJ came to me and told me that he’d been watching me and had two questions – one: why do you give all of yourself away and two: why are you hiding yourself. The answer to both questions lived in the story of my past; so I shared my story with DJ over lunch at the Chinese restaurant near his office on Cascade. He was intrigued and commended me on making it through, but then warned me to hold my past close because he didn’t want people to judge me based upon my past or exploit the vulnerabilities born from the pain thereof. He then shared with me his story, vulnerabilities and pain. I was impressed with his resolve and the lessons that he’d gleaned through it all. He said that he always wanted to be in his children’s life in a constant and real way, because he knew how it felt to grow up without parents and didn’t ever want his boys to experience that feeling. He was adamant that not everyone needed to know about your past because they will hold it against you; not even people at church – he warned.


During meetings and events for the Foundation, when I was taking care of business and the volunteers, DJ made it his business to check in on me at every event – even if he was not there – he’d call to say, ‘what’s happening’; ‘how’s it going’; ‘you not letting them drive you crazy, are you’; ‘you know they are crazy, so don’t let them get the best of you’; ‘it’s not about them, it’s about you’; ‘hang in there, you know how Ryan can be’; call me to let me know you got home alright. He didn’t even know me. He just felt like I was giving myself away and decided to give me the energy that I gave everyone else – what an amazing and beautiful gift!

When I was going through divorce, DJ reached out to me and turned up the love and concern in my direction. He made it his business to check in on me every single day to see how I was doing. He would give me encouragement and advice and lend me a male perspective. He didn’t side with me or my ex-husband, he sided with what he felt was right. Some days he was in my corner and other days, he called me on my wrongs but each of those days his words and manner strengthened and encouraged me. He would punctuate imparted wisdom with, ‘you’re bigger than the struggle’ or ‘don’t let this get the best of you’.

A lesson in trust: During several conversations, I would question the logic of what DJ was telling me in words or with a look and whenever I did this he would give me a lecture me about trust starting with, ‘see that’s your problem…’ and after he broke it all down to me he would punctuate the conversation with this… ‘if I tell you that a flee can pull a truck, don’t ask me no questions, just hook it up…’ Who could be mad after that? I would laugh at him, and then get off the phone convicted in a way that forced me to examine myself regardless of what he said or if I agreed with him; I would be in a place of self examination from a very transparent angle.


Life leaked from DJ - you could feel his presence - it was so alive; so I struggle with wrapping my mind around his death. When he greeted you, his smile infected your being and his hugs embraced your whole soul. The word tells us to be thankful for all things; it's easy to be thankful for his life; but how do I begin to fix my mind to be thankful for his death?


Giving thanks: I am eternally grateful that God allowed my path to cross DJ’s, for he is responsible for so many smiles and so much laughter which contributes to the fabric of my very colorful being. DJ was there for me at a time when I didn't even know I needed him - but God new, and He placed DJ in my life just at the time that I needed him the most. God's timing and wisdom continually amazes me and reminds me of how much He loves me. Wendy, thank you for being so strong and confident and secure in yourself and your union with DJ; for sharing him with so many people. There are many nights that he consoled me during my divorce while sitting in the bed with you. As he took up concern with me when in a dark time and took ownership to my well being – I offer that to you now in this dark time of confusion and grief. If you need anything at all – I mean it; do not hesitate to call on me.

But why?

On last Friday, I learned that DJ had committed suicide. My heart sank and my mind began to race into the direction of understanding. What went on in his head and heart during his final hour? I began to ponder on the consistencies of DJ in an effort to dissect how he arrived at this option. DJ and I had many intimate conversations about our pasts and the people who played a role in our lives then and now. His consistent message to me was that I should not share my story with anyone, including people in the church because they would look upon me in judgment and not be able to see the good of me overcoming, but only the bad of the situation. I argued that I didn’t care what people thought of me because only God could judge me. DJ argued that people would treat me adversely if they knew. To validate his argument, he told me of his past and how hurtful it was to hear people ridicule him and his brothers based upon their circumstances – circumstances that they had no choice in or control over. He recounted that many people always said negative things about the ‘the Johnson boys’ and spoke death, in their beings and abilities. He indicated that they were continually labeled and discounted. He went on to tell me the story about the fire; I could see the hurt surface fresh upon his face as he told me the details and pointed out the scars. He punctuated this conversation the way he started it – don’t tell them – they will judge you. They will look at you and see your story. DJ took great pride in masking the pain of the past and proving the naysayer wrong. He was very protective over perceptions of his family and worked tirelessly to prove the naysayers wrong. He went to college, married a beautiful respectable woman, had beautiful kids, supported his brothers (to include Ryan) in their endeavors, worked with kids, volunteered his time consistently with the New Bern and the Ryan Cameron Foundations and put his arms around the issues of those who were close to him. So on this day I cannot help but wonder if he decided that he didn’t want to live through the pain of being judged by peole again; did he just decided that he’d rather be dead than face the possibility of those who discounted him thinking that they were right. There’s life and death in the tongue – did the cruel judgment and ridicule he faced as a child regurgitate in his heart, leading him to choose death over a life he loved so much.

I cannot image the weight of a burden which would lead DJ to deem his children better off without him. After being raised without parents, DJ made a concerted effort to play an intricate role in the live of his children and was hell bent on making sure they felt his presence. So what could have gotten into his head and heart to move him from a conviction and a love so strong?

We may never know the answer to these questions; so we will just have to lean on the Lord, accept what is, pray for time to wash the pain away and take the positive energy and lesson learned from DJ forward in our beings and doings.

Lessons learned from DJ ...
* Don’t give all of yourself away; save some of you for you.
* You are bigger than the struggle.
* Don’t let them get the best of you.
* Always do something for yourself before you do something for anyone else.
* They will use you up, if you let them; don’t let them.
* There’s life and death in the tongue; speak life.
* Look forward to the future, today. 'That's 2011!' :-)
* You cannot drive forward staring in the rear view mirror.
* Even an elephant in the rear view mirror gets smaller as you move away from it. So don't get too excited about the size of the problem, just keep moving away from it and time will dissipate its potency.
* Trust and believe in not only your abilities, but the abilities of other. You see a flee really can pull a truck, all you have to do is hook it up! LOL!

Happiness

A couple of years ago I had a conversation with a stranger, as I often do. This man is a juvenile sex therapist and family counselor. I don’t remember his name, but I do remember the conversation clearly wherein he shared his perspective of happiness with me by saying, “Happiness, or the lack thereof, is determined by happenings; so what’s happening with you?” A couple of Saturday's ago (Jan 10) this is what was happening with me…

I took a drive east and went out to Lake Oconee. The further away from the city I got the less guarded I felt and the more emotionally transparent I became. The air was cleaner, my senses heighted and with each mile the pounds of stress causing my shoulders to tighten melted away. I can now appreciate the desire to maintain a lake house for family retreats.

I ventured over to the Ritz Carlton’s Reynolds Resort for lunch at Gaby’s by the Lake. The scenery, as you can image, was quite picturesque. This place is certainly a piece of peace. I sat there observing nature’s perfection and I was immensely thankful for God’s infinite wisdom. With my guard completely down, I allowed the water to lull my soul as the breeze kissed and caressed my cheeks with each change of the wind’s direction. I became full as I thought about how much God loves me and how He knew of this moment long before I was born and created it perfectly for me. The sky was so very clear, the evergreens stood along the lake shore with perfect posture and the sun peeped out as I was leaving the restaurant, to see me off. I took a walk along the shore and through a part of the resort to ingest the magnificent energy before leaving.

As I turned out of the resort I received a phone call from an acquaintance with whom I’d been playing phone tag with for over a week (if it were anyone else – except maybe Stank, I would not have answered). His energy is a quiet boom which grants me a surreal and deafening calm, so hearing his voice further induced my Zen like trance. He was taken aback when he learned that I was retreating ‘by myself’. I made the point to him that I don’t think I should put my life on pause because I don’t have a significant other in my life. He's a very smart and reasonable man, so he agreed with me. :) [Of course I would love to meet a man with whom I can transparently love aloud, share all of myself with and build a family with; but in the meantime, I will not hold my happiness hostage nor allow the absence of a man in my life to be a reason for putting my life on pause.] We continued to converse, catching up on each other’s Advent season, work life, dating experiences, possibilities, etc.

When our conversation ended I climbed inside my head as I continued my drive home. I am truly enjoying this season of my life and pray for discernment, so that I may move in a productive direction and find myself in places and situation where my energy is the most effective. I am so very truly thankful that all my needs are met, Gabrielle is healthy and evolving beautifully, I have deeply rich friendships, an interesting family and living inside of me is this awesome colorfully creative being with a free & happy spirit, echoing strength and embodying a peace which surpassed my understanding. While I certainly look forward to the next chapter, I am fully present and appreciative of NOW, right now. Thank you Father!
So as my life continues to play out, not knowing when it will expire, I’ll continue to work hard, exercise discriminating discernment about how (and with whom) I spend my time, make choices in a way that does not compromise forever and explore all God has richly given us for our enjoyment.

Teach those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which is so unreliable. Their trust should be in God, who richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment. 1 Timothy 6:17

President Barack Obama

In just a few moments President Elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the first African American President of the United States. I am very excited that we have a president who was elected for his graceful integrity and calming deliberation. His range of experiences in life and in service is particularly interesting, as it affords him the insight to preside over this country making informed and inclusive decisions.

The evening of election day, President-Elect Barack Obama said that this victory is ours. As we share this victory, we too must share the responsibilities ahead. As we embark upon this pregnant moment in history, please do not adopt a posture of complacency, but one unyielding resolve, intolerant to injustices in your wake and reach. Let your actions speak as loud as your words. Let your efforts parallel your ideals. The Obama’s needs our prayers, support and diligence. As he presides over this country, each of us will need to gracefully preside over our families, homes and communities. As it is our responsibility to be in the know about that which concerns and affects us.

In the ebb and flow of the days ahead I employ you to stay focused on the common purpose – to serve God, each other and form a more perfect union. Each day we must be about our Father’s business. For as J. California Cooper so poetically titled one of her short stories, The future has a Past. We are a part of the future’s past - right here, right now. And the things we do (or don’t do) are building the past on which the future depends.

Some of us believe that there’s a war going on in our country. If this country is at war, the war is not between blacks and whites, nor Nationals and immigrants, the war is not between republicans and democrats, nor right and wrong, but it is a war waged on ignorance. IGNORE is the root word of ignorance. Anyone who IGNORES the fact that we are all God’s children and that He loves us each perfectly – one nor more or less than the other, is a perpetuator of the worst kind of ignorance. There is hope, however; as ignorance is combated with its oppositions – competence, cultivation, education, experience, intelligence, knowledge, literacy, talent, wisdom, etc. Get your fill of them all, if that is your pleasure, but the only thing you need to know fulfills all quandaries … God is… (Psalms 23:1).

Gabrielle:

I gladly celebrate this pivotal mark in history with you. Your enthusiasm warms my heart. I am so very glad that the Obama’s serve as a tangible example of what I’ve taught you nearly your whole life – there are infinite possibilities of greatness residing in you and therefore no limits to what you can achieve. You are God’s child and heiress to His promise. He has promised to bless us beyond our imagination; did we not image this?

The only limits that truly exist are the ones tattooed in our minds ...